An EMDR Approach to Lasting Change and Relief for Perfectionist
How EMDR Therapy Supports Perfectionism
Perfectionism shows up as high standards, strong work ethic, and a drive to do things well. For many of my clients, these qualities have helped them succeed. However, beneath the surface, perfectionism is rarely about excellence alone. More often, it’s rooted in the nervous system.
For the high-achieving, thoughtful adults I work with, perfectionism tends to feel less like motivation and more like pressure. A constant sense of needing to get it right. Difficulty resting. Anxiety when things feel unfinished or uncertain. Even moments of success can feel fleeting, quickly replaced by the next internal demand.
Perfectionism Is a Nervous System Strategy
From a nervous system perspective, perfectionism is not a personality flaw, it’s an adaptive response. At some point, your system learned that being careful, competent, or exceptional helped you stay safe. That safety may have come from praise or approval when you performed well, avoiding criticism, conflict, or disappointment and creating predictability in emotionally unpredictable environments.
Over time, the nervous system pairs doing things right with regulation. Mistakes, rest, or uncertainty can begin to feel disproportionately threatening, even when there’s no real danger present.
How Perfectionism Shows Up Day to Day
Perfectionism doesn’t always look like striving for flawless results. It often shows up quietly in the body and mind:
Overthinking decisions long after they’re made
Difficulty starting or finishing tasks due to fear of getting it wrong
Feeling tense or on edge when things are out of your control
Measuring your worth by productivity or achievement
Struggling to enjoy rest without guilt
Even when you intellectually know you’re “doing enough,” your nervous system may not agree.
Why Insight and Mindset Work Often Fall Short
Many people with perfectionism are highly self-aware. They understand where their patterns come from. They’ve tried mindset shifts, affirmations, or cognitive strategies to soften their inner critic.
And yet, the pressure remains.
That’s because perfectionism lives primarily in the nervous system, not the thinking mind. When the body hasn’t experienced safety around slowing down, being imperfect, or disappointing others, it will continue to default to what feels protective, regardless of insight.
How EMDR Therapy Works with Perfectionism
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy helps the nervous system process and update experiences that taught it perfection was necessary for safety.
Rather than focusing on surface behaviors, EMDR helps identify and reprocess the underlying memories, emotional states, and bodily responses that keep perfectionism in place.
Through EMDR therapy, the nervous system can:
Release stored fear or pressure connected to past experiences
Decouple self-worth from performance
Learn that mistakes, rest, and uncertainty are tolerable
Build new neural pathways associated with safety and self-trust
This allows change to happen from the inside out — without forcing yourself to think differently.
What Clients Often Notice Shifting
As perfectionism softens at the nervous system level, many clients notice changes such as:
Less urgency and internal pressure
Greater flexibility when plans change
Increased ability to rest without guilt
More compassion toward themselves
A steadier sense of worth that isn’t performance-based
These shifts tend to feel subtle yet profound, a sense of ease that wasn’t there before.
EMDR Therapy for Perfectionism in New York
EMDR therapy can be especially supportive if you:
Feel driven but chronically anxious or exhausted
Struggle to feel satisfied despite success
Fear slowing down or making mistakes
Want change that feels embodied, not just intellectual
This work isn’t about lowering your standards or losing motivation. It’s about helping your nervous system learn that you are safe and worthy, even when you’re not striving.
Perfectionism once served a purpose. EMDR offers a way to honor that history while creating space for something more sustainable.
If you’re curious about EMDR therapy for perfectionism, anxiety, or nervous system regulation in New York, you can learn more about my approach on my homepage or schedule a free consultation to see if this work feels aligned.
By Lisa Slone, LCSW-R| EMDR Therapist
