How EMDR Therapy Helps Chronic People‑Pleasing and Overthinking
Understanding People-Pleasing and Overthinking
People-pleasing and chronic overthinking often show up quietly, especially for capable, high-functioning people. On the outside, you may appear calm, competent, and emotionally aware. On the inside, there’s often a constant monitoring of yourself and others.
People-pleasing isn’t simply being kind or thoughtful. It’s a pattern of prioritizing others’ comfort over your own sense of safety. You may say yes when you mean no, soften your needs, or hesitate to speak up even when something doesn’t feel right. Conflict can feel disproportionately stressful, not because you’re incapable of handling it, but because your nervous system learned early on that harmony meant safety.
Overthinking often runs alongside this. Your mind may replay conversations, anticipate how you might be perceived, or scan for what could go wrong next. Even during moments of calm, it can feel difficult to fully relax. There’s a sense of needing to stay alert, as if being prepared is what keeps you safe.
Over time, these patterns can leave you feeling small. You may understand your behaviors intellectually yet feel unable to change them. You might wonder why, despite therapy, self-work, or personal growth, your body still reacts the same way. This isn’t a lack of insight or effort, it’s often a nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to survive.
How the Nervous System Keeps These Patterns Alive
When the nervous system perceives threat, whether emotional, relational, or internal, it prioritizes safety over authenticity.
For many high‑functioning, anxious, or perfectionistic women, safety has become associated with:
Being liked
Being needed
Being easygoing
Not rocking the boat
Overthinking often shows up alongside people‑pleasing because the brain is constantly scanning for potential problems, missteps, or emotional consequences. It’s an attempt to predict and prevent discomfort before it happens.
Even when your adult mind knows you’re safe now, your nervous system may still be responding as if you’re not.
Why Insight Alone Often Isn’t Enough
This is a frustrating reality for many of my clients: you can understand your patterns and still feel completely stuck in them.
That’s because insight lives in the thinking brain, while people‑pleasing and overthinking live in the body.
If your nervous system hasn’t experienced safety around setting boundaries, expressing needs, or tolerating disappointment, it will continue to default to what feels familiar—even when it no longer aligns with who you are.
How EMDR Therapy Works Differently
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy helps the nervous system process and update stored experiences that are still driving present‑day reactions.
Rather than talking about your people‑pleasing or overthinking, EMDR helps your system:
Identify the experiences that taught you it wasn’t safe to be yourself
Process the emotional and physiological charge held in the body
Create new neural pathways associated with safety, agency, and self‑trust
As these experiences are reprocessed, your nervous system no longer needs to rely on old strategies to feel secure.
What Changes When EMDR Targets These Patterns
Clients often notice shifts that feel subtle at first, but deeply meaningful:
Pausing before automatically saying yes
Less mental replay after interactions
A growing tolerance for discomfort without spiraling
Feeling more grounded when expressing needs
These changes don’t come from forcing yourself to be different. They come from your nervous system learning that you are allowed to be different.
EMDR for High‑Achieving, Anxious Women
Many of the women I work with are competent, insightful, and outwardly successful, however on the inside feel exhausted by their own minds.
EMDR can be especially supportive if you:
Identify as a chronic people‑pleaser
Struggle with anxiety or overthinking despite years of therapy
Feel disconnected from your own needs
Want change that feels embodied, not just intellectual
This work isn’t about becoming less caring or thoughtful. It’s about reclaiming your energy, boundaries, and sense of self.
A Gentle Shift
Your people‑pleasing and overthinking aren’t flaws, they’re evidence of how hard your nervous system has worked to protect you.
EMDR offers a way to thank those strategies for what they once provided, while helping your system learn that safety no longer depends on self‑abandonment.
If you’re ready for change that feels steady, grounded and not forced, EMDR therapy may be a meaningful next step.
If you’d like to learn more about EMDR therapy for anxiety, people‑pleasing, or perfectionism in New York, you can explore my approach on the homepage or schedule a free consultation to see if this work feels aligned.
By Lisa Slone, LCSW-R
